DIRECTED BY: Adam Simon
WRITTEN BY: Adam Simon (screenplay); Based on the novel by Harry Adam Knight
PEW PEW: Nope.
CAT FOOD: Well, I suppose it did try to — erm, nope.
I tell you, I’m no fan of Jurassic World, the mystifyingly terrible fourth installment in the Jurassic Park franchise, but it’s one doozy of a peach compared to Carnosaur.
When told that the film adaptation of his novel was going to be released a month before Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park, and that it would indeed be a rival for the film, I’d imagine John Brosnan (a.k.a. Harry Adam Knight) was pretty enthusiastic. As a Corman fan, however, I know that the man rarely produces films for over a one million dollar budget, a fact that Brosnan eventually learned.
Thing is, as a huge fan of the man’s work, when I see ‘Roger Corman Presents’ at the beginning of a film, I do get rather excited. Not because I know the film is going to be amazing, but because I know the film is going to take one of two possible forms: complete, unwatchable ass, or a very attractive and transfixing kind of ass. If crap movies are to be represented by asses, Corman’s flicks are like anywhere from grade A mint Kristen Stewart, to mistaking Orlando Bloom’s Legolas as a chick from behind. As a point of reference, Stuart Gordon and Jim Wynorski usually make films fairly close to the exquisite Stewart model… Uwe Boll and Asylum films, on the other hand, are pretty much always Larry King’s bony white ass.
This entire ass discussion has been more entertaining to me than Carnosaur was.
In this one, a lunatic scientist, who is genetically engineering larger and more fertile chickens, decides it’d be a good idea if dinosaur DNA got put into the mix — what’s more? She’s really, really keen on this deadly virus that makes women give birth to dinosaurs. This crazy old bird, played by the talented Diane Ladd (that’s right, the mother of the female lead in Jurassic Park), is hell bent on having dinosaurs rule the world once more.
And then we have a drunk night watchman (played by Raphael Sbarge, who the Star Wars nuts like me will remember from KOTOR) who is in charge of keeping hippies away from digging equipment. These two stories awkwardly lumber, like a newborn calf or the average modern girl in heels, toward each other until they come to a fairly lame and pointlessly unsatisfying ending.
Now, I’m not saying Carnosaur isn’t completely unenjoyable. Hell, the dinos (created by John Carl Buechler, who did the cool effects for From Beyond) are worth a chuckle. When not compared to the awe-inspiring beasts in Jurassic Park, Carnosaur’s dinos are cool as far as B and C movie critters go. The deaths are gruesome and often quite satisfying. Clint Howard’s death scene is particularly good.
Carnosaur is a pretty smelly movie, but if someone put a gun to your head and made you choose a shit movie, you could do worse than this one. Shave a star off the rating if cheap rubber creature kills are not your thing.