SUB-GENRES: Sexploitation / Horror / Garbage / WTF?!
DIRECTED BY: Don Skaro
WRITTEN BY: Billy Hartnell
PEW PEW: Nope.
CAT FOOD: The ‘film’ seems to exist only as a tribute to how truly unstable the thing’s creators must surely be.
So then there’s the Dalek porno that’s totally not porn.
Now, before you go assuming I’m totally fucked in the head, you try to resist watching something billed as ‘Dalek porn.’I mean, for heaven’s sake, I don’t know if I’d want to meet someone who wouldn’t at least be mildly curious about this steaming pile of toss.
The kicker is, despite what you hear and read, Abducted by the Daleks is not a pornographic release. Truth? The film is just an utterly terrible sexploitation flick brimming with full-frontal nudity, the Daleks of British sci-fi series Doctor Who, and not much else.
So, after an opening sequence featuring a bloody awful narration that tells us pretty much nothing, and dubious use of Pink Floyd’s 1967 tune “Lucifer Sam,” four girls on a nighttime drive to a night club mash an alien dude on the road and proceed to wander off into the woods.
As Daleks look on with more fascination than I can guarantee the viewers of this film are, the four girls remove all of their clothing, caress one another, and are eventually, erm, abducted by the Daleks. Not much more happens on the ship. The Daleks shout threats and flail their appendages while the girls run around all naked and stuff before being zapped.
A final segment brings us back down to Earth, where the last girl is bound to a tree. She’s visited first by a deformed pervert who feels her up, and then by a killer, who draws on her before the Daleks beam him on board their ship and kill him. She’s discovered two days later by police, who essentially hand her over to the Daleks in a hopeless attempt at a twist ending.
This thing is appalling as a narrative, perplexing as a movie, and utterly useless as a porno… just saying. A quick run-through of what Abducted by the Daleks has to offer:
Production value is sub-pornographic and damn near non-existent. The effects are shit (the Daleks are certainly Daleks though). The actresses are most certainly pornographic actresses and the quality of their delivery is as such. They all speak in thick, almost indecipherable European accents. The sound editing is the most atrocious I’ve ever heard and this makes that last point all the more unbearable… So basically, ever wonder what a porno would be like without the ‘getting down’? Cripes.
Hell, I’m not in the business of reviewing pornography, but for heaven’s sake there isn’t even any real pornography here! The girls caress one another but there is no *ahem* ‘penetration’ or even touching each other down below — there is little to no moaning or even kissing. The closest this gets to actual pornography is when the deformed dude does feel around downstairs while the girl is tied to the tree at the end… but this is creepy as fuck and makes me wonder how stable the film’s writer, producer, and director are. Jesus.
So yeah, I’m writing this so hopefully no one else picks this thing up in curiousity thinking they’re going to have a bit of a laugh watching ‘Dalek porn.’ Abducted by the Daleks is nothing more than a conversation piece.
You don’t want to View Abducted by the Daleks Trailer. Trust Me.