Jupiter Ascending

SUB-GENRES: Action / Adventure
DIRECTED BY: The Wachowskis
WRITTEN BY: The Wachowskis
RELEASE: 2015

PEW PEW: The film somehow finds time to fill the spaces between bullshit with piles of mindless action.

CAT FOOD: It attempts to comment on quite a few issues, but any validity is washed away in the ruddy brown wave of fecal matter that is the film’s narrative.

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I fucking hate Jupiter Ascending.

Yeah, seriously, I’m opening up with that. Jupiter Ascending is a two hour fucking explanation of itself that had me groaning in frustration up until– well up until I started writing this review… the friggin thing is still playing in the background as I type this out, if you can believe it!

The film’s most engaging moment is in its introduction, as our main character, Jupiter Jones, explains to us how she was conceived and how her father died. It’s all down hill from there, however, as we are introduced to pompous, whispery, intergalactic English people who babble on about blubbety blubbety blah blah fuckety flah… crap we don’t know and don’t frankly give a shit about.

XXX JUPITER ASCENDING MOV JY 1628 .JPG A ENT
Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis: Set phasers to ‘underwhelm’…

The plot isn’t even worth describing in even the scantest detail. The whole movie feels like it was written by a little girl: there are princes, dinner parties, and marriage vows, and of course the tarnished knight character that makes the cliched insta-romance possible.

Enough with the melodramatic whisper speak. I fucking hate whisper speak.

Eddie Redmayne seriously carries on as if he’s Richard Harris on his fucking death bed for the whole fucking movie and I can hear it now and it makes me want to kill. KILL. I love the English and English culture, but the amount of pompous English stereotype belching out of this film’s gaping poopchute is almost enough to make me want to take a road trip to Boston to dump all the tea I can find.

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“Blubbety blubbety blah blah fuckety flah” … all in a dry whisper that nearly drove me to kill…

Anything positive I have to say about the film regards its special effects. It looks spectacular, beginning to end. No flaws there at all. If anything, Jupiter Ascending points out the flaws in my rating system, as I have to award it a Pew Pew Cat Food seal of approval for its amount of action and social commentary. But do note that this does not mean the site recommends that the film be watched. I know, I know, but the seal only approves of the amount of action and commentary in the thing. There is little to no enjoyment to be had here, in spite of an underlying concept that does threaten to become interesting for half a moment.

As much as the film tries to cash in on the Guardians of the Galaxy vibe, it does it all so incredibly wrong. The thing isn’t remotely funny, the action is completely mindless, I don’t give a flying fuck about any of these characters, and it is over stuffed with terminology that the film spends almost its entire run trying to explain. By the time all is said and done, all there is to the film is crazy baffling otherworldly shit and the boring ass conversations that attempt to explain uninteresting backstories for it all.

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You should watch Welcome to the Rileys instead, cause if you’re gonna watch ass, it might as well be a damn fine one…

None of the acting was particularly impressive, the dialogue is Attack of the Clones cringe-worthy on several occasions, and, while some of the aliens are cool looking, most of the make-up involves changing the shapes of ears, something that always kind of irked me even about Star Trek.

So yeah, hate is never cool, but I don’t wish to expend any more energy on Jupiter Ascending, so it’s just easier to hate the damn thing.

… and I’m still typing, waiting for the end credits to start rolling… more weak crap… oh, she found a date… no, he’s not rich (fucking way to promote the objectification of mens’ wallets)… more weak crap… oh look, Channing Tatum has wings… hey, hello end credits, so very happy to see you!!!!!

LOL, I apologise profusely for an even crustier rant than usual, and for the language, and for what might be misconstrued as disrespect towards the English and the extremely talented Richard Harris.

Good. Night.

1star

View Jupiter Ascending Trailer

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